


Wavering

by j_f_david



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 22:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8596204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_f_david/pseuds/j_f_david
Summary: James Vega has been admiring his hero, Shepard from afar for years, and his time comes when he can meet him in person.I believe that James' feelings are regardless of Shepard's gender.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWoqwfvS698





	1. Meet Shepard

**Author's Note:**

> Canon fragments taken from Paragon Lost and Mass Effect 3., everything else is a what if.

For many years, Shepard was my hero, an example to follow. I’d been teased for it and they made fun of me, but I never stopped being proud of looking up to him. The first time I wavered was after that tough call, the most difficult I’ve ever had, the one that changed me. Not many noticed it, the change was so subtle, unconscious, the only pattern I saw was how I became more reckless. I don’t even know if that’s the best word for it; before, picking a fight was not my style, yet lately, I’m the first to stand in the middle of a hassle. That night too, when that mass relay was blown up and the batarians wanted to lynch every human in the pub…  
Anyway, looks like from tomorrow, I’ll be serving next to Shepard. Well, not exactly like how I’ve always dreamed of it though. He’s in custody now, but not really, considering who he is, and I’ll be around him at headquarters. I don’t even know how to approach him or talk to him. When I had to choose, that was the first time I thought about Shepard’s decisions and I looked at it from a whole new point of view. The shit he’s been through, I wonder how many decisions he had to make daily, like the one I made. It’s insane to even imagine. And he’s still here, alive and kicking, still fighting though the moment things heated up, everybody abandoned him. For fuck’s sake, they declared him dead when he was fighting for his life! And despite all of that, he’s still here, trying his best. He never stopped being a hero to me. How could I face him tomorrow, being the coward I am? Hell, if I can sleep like this.

The tiniest light hurts my bloodshot eyes. I couldn’t sleep a moment, and I still can’t calm down. It’s time for me to make an appearance at Shepard’s room, and I still have no idea how to address him. How ridiculous, Essex would be laughing at me with teary eyes. Oh I wish he would… Damn it, I arrived at his door without noticing. Okay, I gotta knock and talk to him. Come on, Vega, you can do this. I clear my throat and knock. There’s no reply, so I knock again, louder, and a second later I step inside, finding the man lying on his bed in full clothes, turned to face the wall. Is he asleep?

‘I’m sorry to barge in, sir, I’m lieutenant James Vega, checking up on you. Is everything okay?’ I salute his back and he moves a little.  
‘Mhmm.’ He turns and opens his eyes, looking at me, still unfocused. I try to hold myself together, but I can feel sweat dropping on my back. ‘Everything’s fine.’ He says finally, sitting up, holding his head like it hurts.  
‘Do you need something, sir?’  
‘At ease.’ I stand relieved. ‘Nothing, thanks. I’m totally sealed off, right?’ He asks suddenly and I nod. He can’t have any outside contact and he can barely communicate inside. ‘Maybe that’s better.’  
‘Huh?’ A confused sound escapes me and he looks straight at me.  
‘Lieutenant Vega, right?’  
‘Yes, sir!’  
‘I’m… kind of tired. I brought back everyone safely and I terminated the immediate threat. Wouldn’t I deserve a little holiday?’ He’s asking me, but even if I knew what he’s talking about, I can just hope it was a rhetorical question. But he’s just staring at me silently.  
‘I’m sorry, sir, I’m sure you did a great job, so you can rest now.’  
‘Why are you apologizing?’ He raises an eyebrow. Fuck, I have no idea. ‘It’s funny you say I can rest. Well, that until the Reapers arrive.’  
‘The Reapers?’  
‘Don’t play dumb, I’m sure you’ve at least heard of them, if not for anything else, but because of my false beliefs.’  
‘Yes, sir, but I don’t know that much about them as you do.’  
‘So you at least believe in them?’  
‘I know they exist.’ A bitter memory chokes me and a flicker in Shepard’s eyes show he noticed.  
‘I’m sorry. Well, at least I can finally rest.’

With that, he lies back down and doesn’t speak a word for the rest of the day.  
The first personal encounter with Shepard was overwhelming. We only exchanged a few words, but I felt like he understood me the way nobody else did before. When he looked me in the eyes, he looked inside me, he saw through me, reading my every thought and memory. I just wish I could do the same with him. I wish I could understand him more.

The next day I’m still sleep deprived and full of thoughts. Yesterday I didn’t have more time to stop by Shepard’s room, but at least I'm gonna make a habit of dropping by in the mornings. I knocked again and without an answer, I went inside, again. He was just where I left him almost a day ago. I hope he at least moves around during the day and eats.

‘How are you today, sir?’ He rolls around to face me and when he sees who I am, he sits up.  
‘Vega, was it?’  
‘Yes, sir.’ He remembers me!  
‘I’m as good as yesterday, and tomorrow will be the same.’  
‘Truly, sir? Was the last mission this tiring?’ I look at the bed and back at him, making him crack a laugh.  
‘I survived a suicide mission, that sounds pretty tiring, right?’  
‘You did what?’ What is he talking about? I have no idea where he was in the last more than two years and I don’t know what he’s been up to, but this sounds unbelievable.  
‘I went through the Omega 4 relay. Killed the Collectors. And came back to be arrested like this. Because life’s so fair, like always.’  
‘Huh?’ I just stand there dumbfounded, probably wide-eyed.  
‘There’s Geth beyond the Veil; yeah, sure. There’s a Reaper trying to destroy the Citadel; yeah, sure. There’s Collectors attacking human colonies, working for the Reapers; yeah, pretty fucking sure.’ He breaths heavily after exploding like that and he buries his face in his hands. ‘The Reapers are still coming to destroy the galaxy; of course, Shepard.’ When he’s finished, he stays still and I feel my heart cracking a bit. ‘I’m sorry. I’m just tired of not being able to deliver the message.’  
‘Shepard, I’m sorry.’ I unconsciously step closer and put a hand on his shoulder. ‘It’s not your fault, man. You’re doing everything you can, and you’ve already saved millions!’ He lifts his head after a second of silence.  
‘Thank you, James. It’s not like I don’t already know all of this. It’s… it’s just the first time I’m alone, I guess.’

I can’t really answer him, so I leave. He’s alone? Well, I guess it’s hard, without his crew, without a team.


	2. Leaving Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually saved Kaidan on Virmire, so he's the one joining the story.

A year with Shepard has passed in a blink of an eye. My morning visits became a daily routine; I ask him how he is, we have a little chat, then I go to work. Though, I couldn’t get more out of him than what he said in the first two days. I tried researching about what he’s said, but seeing how nobody believed him enraged me. When I realized that even I didn’t believe everything, I felt so ashamed I could punch myself in the face. Though I came across a familiar name in my research; I remembered when Treeya talked to his mentor, Dr. T’Soni, and I found out that she was part of Shepard’s crew for a while. Although she disappeared more than a year ago; I wonder where she went.  
I was on my way to Shepard when I got an unusual order: the Committee wanted to see him, so I have to bring him there. I don’t know what they want from him, but it must be important, I even saw Major Alenko running around, looking especially nervous.

‘Commander’ I enter in a hurry, calling out to him.  
‘You’re not supposed to call me that anymore, James.’ He turns to from the window.  
‘I’m not supposed to salute you either. We gotta go. The Defense Committee wants to see you.’ I sum things up to him and he looks surprised.  
‘Sounds important.’

As we leave, he asks me what’s this about, but I'm not able to tell him more. We can’t speak more, because we run into Admiral Anderson. I know him and Shepard used to be close, so it’s interesting to listen to their exchange; but the matter must be urgent, since an officer interrupts shortly and Major Alenko appears too, looking at Shepard like seeing a ghost. They greet each other, but their words are careful, like stepping on shuddered glass. When the Admiral leaves with Shepard, I ask Kaidan if he knows the Commander, but he gives me an evasive answer.  
It must be the tense atmosphere, but I’m worried about Shepard. Just as I’d begin to get lost in my thoughts, we hear a loud explosion and everybody panics. People are running around, trying to figure out what’s happening, some frightened, some holding onto the last sliver of control they have. I don’t need a visual to know, Shepard’s prophecy is coming true: the Reapers are here. I stand motionless, frozen with mixed thoughts when I hear my name being shouted.

‘Vega, come on, we gotta get out of here!’ It’s Major Alenko, turning back for me from the door. ‘We need to get on the Normandy!’

He doesn’t have to tell me twice, I run as fast as I can, following him. I’m prepared for combat, but what we see outside leaves me unprepared. These giant ass things cut up entire building blocks without resistance. The sight overflows me with emotions as we run. Kaidan is shouting something, but all I hear is my pulse drumming in my ears. Is Shepard okay? Just as I think of him, I see the Committee room being blown up. I halt and stare in disbelief, Kaidan coming back for me and dragging me by my arm.

‘He’s fine, come on!’  
‘How could you know?’ I question him, my voice trembling.  
‘It’s Shepard we’re talking about. He will be fine.’

That’s his explanation, and we continue running. He radios the ship and the next thing I know, we’re aboard the Normandy, trying to contact Anderson. These minutes seem longer than any minute of my life, but eventually we get an answer. He and Shepard made it, now they’re trying to escape. However, before they could give us their position, the line breaks. Damn it, it’s nerve wrecking. I pace up and down behind Alenko as he tries to reach them again, unable to focus on anything. I don’t even think the situation really registered in my mind, it’s full of thoughts of Shepard. He’s gonna be fine, right?  
It takes an eternity to hear the Admiral’s voice again, and it disappears after just a few seconds, but now at least we got an idea of where they could be. Kaidan tells the pilot and we’re on our way. Hold on, Commander, just a little longer, we’re coming. When we arrive, I see a lot of dead bodies – all Reaper creature – and among them Shepard, supporting Anderson as they run towards us. Thank god! He jumps on, and everything happens so fast, we’re already leaving – without the Admiral.  
What the hell? We’re leaving? Without Anderson? I close on Shepard and confront him.

‘What’s happening?’  
‘We got our orders.’

He quickly explains, but all I understand is that we run from the fight while we leave people behind. This isn’t right, what is Shepard doing?!


	3. Dance and talk

I've never doubted Shepard in my life, but I can’t swallow this. It’s the second time I feel wavering, but before I could voice my doubts, Admiral Hackett calls the Commander; the line breaks but our next objective is clear: go to the Mars base.  
When we get there, it becomes clear to me that I’m not the only one doubting Shepard for one reason or another; Kaidan keeps asking him about Cerberus, as we found them on the Mars. Man, a tiny bit of guilt keeps itching in the back of my mind; it must be pretty shitty to have both your team members looking sideways at you. Though I’m still full of controversial thoughts and I can’t think clearly.  
Inside we find an asari fighting Cerberus troops, and turns out, she’s Dr. T’Soni, Shepard’s old friend. She also has big news: there’s a prothean artifact that could maybe help us against the fight with the Reapers. The Commander orders me to stand watch and I leave the three of them to investigate further. I know they’re gonna be fine without me, but it feels like I just got ditched. Those three were in the original Normandy crew years ago, of course they’d want to catch up with each other’s life events or what. Old comrades are always the best; given they’re still alive.  
Fuck, I ended up dwelling on my past again. Ever since I’ve met Shepard, I often find myself comparing my actions and decisions to his. And my conclusion is always the same: I shouldn’t be so self-pitying when he’d had it much worse. I’m mentally wandering around the darkest corners of my brain when my radio delivers me the Commander’s voice, cracking and lagging. He’s saying something about a woman stealing the data we need.  
I head in their direction with the shuttle and search for them or the thief, but the storm is getting worse by the second. Finally I notice them on a landing pad, but they’re farther away, I need more time to get there. Come on, I have to hurry! Shepard is yelling at me through the radio, too, sounding desperate. Okay, I gotta do this, I have to stop the Cerberus shuttle, so I decide to jam into it and crash-land wherever.  
The impact knocks the air out of my lungs a bit, it takes me a moment to collect myself; it seems like it worked. When I get out, Shepard is firing with rage at the woman – or what’s became of her. I also see the Doctor behind him and Kaidan lying on the ground. Damn, if I’d been a little faster…! The Commander instructs me to grab the now dysfunctional robot body and he does the same with Kaidan as we hurry back to the shuttle and leave as fast as we can.  
On the Normandy I practically run away, to the shuttle bay, to clean my weapons or do something that keeps my mind busy. Though it seems like it’s no use, I can still hear his voice in my head, urging me to hurry. He was so worried, and I couldn’t be there for him, I couldn’t help him.  
When we arrive on the Citadel, I find myself tagging along, though I don’t know why; I just wanted to be there for him, but it’s useless, I’m useless. So I just fall behind and when the medics take Kaidan to the hospital, I get back to my post on the ship. I try to busy myself but I’m not even aware of what I’m doing, I’m just occupy myself for God knows how long before I hear a familiar voice calling out to me. I don’t need to turn to know everything in that split second: his voice sounds worried and his gaze burns through the back of my head. However, I’m not only not in the mood to talk, but I don’t think I can face him just yet. What I haven’t considered is how persistent he is, so before he could ask, I ask him about the Council. Apparently we already have our next mission, rescuing the turian Primarch from Palavan. It’s unbearable, so I tell him there’s nothing to talk about, he knows everything he needs to know. Then he tells me that he couldn’t check my service records before. Right, I forgot about that. All right, I offer him to dance and talk.  
Exchanging punches with him feels strangely refreshing, there’s no burden in it and I might even enjoy it slightly. With that nice atmosphere, I end up telling him about that mission on Fehl Prime and my squad and Captain Toni. He seemed very sympathetic and was seriously concerned because of my stunt on Mars. Left me confused in the shuttle bay in the end. I didn’t get there in time to save Kaidan, yet he wasn’t mad at me or didn’t blame me. It only adds more to my guilt and self-hatred; but it also fuels some stronger feelings for him.

**Author's Note:**

> With 5 gameplays my suicide missions always ended without teammate death, hence the 'everyone survived' in my story.


End file.
